Refreshed from a many splendored holiday, Robocop called his band in for practice sessions.
"How are you gentleman? It is so good to see you all again, Mike Bordin, Pepper Keenen and he who is my friend of the longest tenure, Ronald James Dio. As we begin it, a new year of the heavy metaling, I would like you, my band, to be known from the time of now until the time of forever as the Farthammertones."
Robocop's band all nodded together in enthusiastic agreement.
"Now that I see that you love it, your new band name, I would hope that you have the same reaction for this, my new song I have written: Bird Faced Lady."
And the band just as eagerly received the sheet music Robocop distributed. Then, a thunderous detonation of metal exploded through the neighborhood.
She was a bird faced lady
not too fat for me!
She was a bird faced lady
so we made out!
She was a bird faced lady
i want sex from thee!
She was a bird faced lady
but she said no way!
She was a bird faced lady
Oh yeah? well fuck you!
She was a bird faced lady
And so really it was I who dumped you!
Fuckin slut ass bird looking dyke!
Dio was the first to remark, "Robocop, I'm not lying when I say that was the greatest song I have ever heard, and I think I speak for the rest of the Farthammertones when I say those are probably the most profound, and really the most important lyrics, in the history of Western Civilization. Literally."
"Yes, I know it," replied Robocop.
Just then, Robocop's girlfriend, Plumpt Melons, walked in, "Hey, Robocop, it's funny you just wrote a song like that because we have to talk."
"Oh, hello my dear, were you listening to it, our new hit song?"
"Yeah I was and that's what I need to talk about. Listen, we're through."
"What you say? But you do not think I really made out with her, a bird faced lady, do you? Those were just my profound lyrics, an artistic expression."
"A brilliant artistic expression," chimed Dio.
"No, that's not it," Plumpt continued. "Our relationship hasn't been anything good for awhile now. I mean, you have to recognize this, all you ever do now is hang out in the basement, get drunk and smoke cigarettes. It's fucking pathetic."
"That is not a fun time for you, the basement?"
"Are you kidding me? How is that any fucking fun?! It's like you don't even give a shit anymore. You don't even have lungs! Look, when we started dating, I thought you were a sweet, sensitive guy. A little weird, but that's what I liked about you. But now it's clear that you're just a prick. Just another asshole who's full of himself and his retarded faggot band."
"But Plumped -"
"And that's another thing - you never even learned how to spell my name right. It's Plumpt, with a T! Forget it, I'm out of here."
"My darling, wait!"
"Fuck you, asshole!"
As Plumpt existed Robocop leaned against a wall, a dejected, forlorn, cybernetic mess.
Dio, naturally, wanted to cheer his friend up.
"C'mon Robocop, don't let that little cock tease get you down. You're a genius, you dont need her."
"No, Ronold James Dio. I do not want to hear it, your speech. I do not want to hear, or speak, or feel any of them, the sensations of consciousness. I will be in it, the basement."
"Robocop stop! Listen to me, man. I'm serious. You'll snag another chick, you're a fucking stud, with unparalleled vision and depth. I guarantee after we get back to touring you get so many babes you wont know how to not have sex with them." Dio was referring to the cyborg Robocop's lack of male genetalia.
"But none like her, the Plumped Melons. She was perfect, Ronald James Dio. Perfect."
"No you're wrong, Robocop, she wasn't. It's all about perspective, bro. As a wise man once said to me, 'no matter how hot you think some chick is, just remember, out there is some other dude who is totally sick of her."
Robocop pondered this thought and then, as Dio looked on, let his sobbing give way to bitter fury.
"Oh really, Ronald James Dio? A wise man told you this, a brilliant maxim? Just old was he the wise man, older than even you the oldest man in the universe?"
"C'mon, Robocop, that's not fair, I'm just trying to-"
"Trying not to expire of your old age? No! I am sick of it your shit. Fuck you, Ronald James Dio, you are fucking fired, no longer a Farthammertone! Take your old ass that is somewhere in between the range of 64 to 69 years and get it the fuck out of here!"
Dio's lips quivered and his eyes welled. "Fine, Robocop. You want me gone, im gone. I will take my 53 year old ass and I will fuck off. You fucking dickless cyborg shithead!"
The band sat in uncomfortable silence after Dio stormed off. Robocop turned and again attempted to retire to the basement.
"No, Robocop, wait," this time it was their drummer, Mike Borden, formerly of the band Faith No More. "While you and Dio were fighting I put in a call to one of my acquaintances. I think you're going to want to stick around because he's coming over."
"Who is that you could have possibly called that I," and Robocop was interrupted as Maynard James Keenen, of the bands Tool, A Perfect Circle and Puscifer, walked through the door.
"It is, it is, it is," Robocop stammered.
"Hey, Robocop, Mike called, said you guys were having trouble. I figured I would stop by and see if I could help."
"MAYNARD JAMES KEENES! YES HOW ARE YOU MAYNARD JAMES KEENEN?"
"I'm good Robocop. So, as you know, I run a vineyard in Arizona, a restaurant in Los Angeles and am involved in numerous charities to go along with my responsibilities to the three bands I'm in, so I really don't have the time to become a permanent member of the Farthemmertones, as much as I would like to, however, I figured a long as I was in the area we could go over some Tool songs together."
"..."
"Roboc-"
"YES I WOULD ENJOY THAT VERY MUCH FOR US TO PLAY TOOL TOGETHER MAYNARD JAMES KEENEN."
"Haha, OK, Robocop. Guys? Let's do this."
After a long, skull shattering set of Tool songs that included tracks from their entire catalogue, Robocop was once again sobbing.
"Robocop, what's wrong, didn't you enjoy playing Tool songs with me?"
"That is just it Maynard James Keenen, I have finally realized that the only time I am every truly happy in my life is when I am listening to Tool. Thank you for saving it my life."
The End.
"How are you gentleman? It is so good to see you all again, Mike Bordin, Pepper Keenen and he who is my friend of the longest tenure, Ronald James Dio. As we begin it, a new year of the heavy metaling, I would like you, my band, to be known from the time of now until the time of forever as the Farthammertones."
Robocop's band all nodded together in enthusiastic agreement.
"Now that I see that you love it, your new band name, I would hope that you have the same reaction for this, my new song I have written: Bird Faced Lady."
And the band just as eagerly received the sheet music Robocop distributed. Then, a thunderous detonation of metal exploded through the neighborhood.
She was a bird faced lady
not too fat for me!
She was a bird faced lady
so we made out!
She was a bird faced lady
i want sex from thee!
She was a bird faced lady
but she said no way!
She was a bird faced lady
Oh yeah? well fuck you!
She was a bird faced lady
And so really it was I who dumped you!
Fuckin slut ass bird looking dyke!
Dio was the first to remark, "Robocop, I'm not lying when I say that was the greatest song I have ever heard, and I think I speak for the rest of the Farthammertones when I say those are probably the most profound, and really the most important lyrics, in the history of Western Civilization. Literally."
"Yes, I know it," replied Robocop.
Just then, Robocop's girlfriend, Plumpt Melons, walked in, "Hey, Robocop, it's funny you just wrote a song like that because we have to talk."
"Oh, hello my dear, were you listening to it, our new hit song?"
"Yeah I was and that's what I need to talk about. Listen, we're through."
"What you say? But you do not think I really made out with her, a bird faced lady, do you? Those were just my profound lyrics, an artistic expression."
"A brilliant artistic expression," chimed Dio.
"No, that's not it," Plumpt continued. "Our relationship hasn't been anything good for awhile now. I mean, you have to recognize this, all you ever do now is hang out in the basement, get drunk and smoke cigarettes. It's fucking pathetic."
"That is not a fun time for you, the basement?"
"Are you kidding me? How is that any fucking fun?! It's like you don't even give a shit anymore. You don't even have lungs! Look, when we started dating, I thought you were a sweet, sensitive guy. A little weird, but that's what I liked about you. But now it's clear that you're just a prick. Just another asshole who's full of himself and his retarded faggot band."
"But Plumped -"
"And that's another thing - you never even learned how to spell my name right. It's Plumpt, with a T! Forget it, I'm out of here."
"My darling, wait!"
"Fuck you, asshole!"
As Plumpt existed Robocop leaned against a wall, a dejected, forlorn, cybernetic mess.
Dio, naturally, wanted to cheer his friend up.
"C'mon Robocop, don't let that little cock tease get you down. You're a genius, you dont need her."
"No, Ronold James Dio. I do not want to hear it, your speech. I do not want to hear, or speak, or feel any of them, the sensations of consciousness. I will be in it, the basement."
"Robocop stop! Listen to me, man. I'm serious. You'll snag another chick, you're a fucking stud, with unparalleled vision and depth. I guarantee after we get back to touring you get so many babes you wont know how to not have sex with them." Dio was referring to the cyborg Robocop's lack of male genetalia.
"But none like her, the Plumped Melons. She was perfect, Ronald James Dio. Perfect."
"No you're wrong, Robocop, she wasn't. It's all about perspective, bro. As a wise man once said to me, 'no matter how hot you think some chick is, just remember, out there is some other dude who is totally sick of her."
Robocop pondered this thought and then, as Dio looked on, let his sobbing give way to bitter fury.
"Oh really, Ronald James Dio? A wise man told you this, a brilliant maxim? Just old was he the wise man, older than even you the oldest man in the universe?"
"C'mon, Robocop, that's not fair, I'm just trying to-"
"Trying not to expire of your old age? No! I am sick of it your shit. Fuck you, Ronald James Dio, you are fucking fired, no longer a Farthammertone! Take your old ass that is somewhere in between the range of 64 to 69 years and get it the fuck out of here!"
Dio's lips quivered and his eyes welled. "Fine, Robocop. You want me gone, im gone. I will take my 53 year old ass and I will fuck off. You fucking dickless cyborg shithead!"
The band sat in uncomfortable silence after Dio stormed off. Robocop turned and again attempted to retire to the basement.
"No, Robocop, wait," this time it was their drummer, Mike Borden, formerly of the band Faith No More. "While you and Dio were fighting I put in a call to one of my acquaintances. I think you're going to want to stick around because he's coming over."
"Who is that you could have possibly called that I," and Robocop was interrupted as Maynard James Keenen, of the bands Tool, A Perfect Circle and Puscifer, walked through the door.
"It is, it is, it is," Robocop stammered.
"Hey, Robocop, Mike called, said you guys were having trouble. I figured I would stop by and see if I could help."
"MAYNARD JAMES KEENES! YES HOW ARE YOU MAYNARD JAMES KEENEN?"
"I'm good Robocop. So, as you know, I run a vineyard in Arizona, a restaurant in Los Angeles and am involved in numerous charities to go along with my responsibilities to the three bands I'm in, so I really don't have the time to become a permanent member of the Farthemmertones, as much as I would like to, however, I figured a long as I was in the area we could go over some Tool songs together."
"..."
"Roboc-"
"YES I WOULD ENJOY THAT VERY MUCH FOR US TO PLAY TOOL TOGETHER MAYNARD JAMES KEENEN."
"Haha, OK, Robocop. Guys? Let's do this."
After a long, skull shattering set of Tool songs that included tracks from their entire catalogue, Robocop was once again sobbing.
"Robocop, what's wrong, didn't you enjoy playing Tool songs with me?"
"That is just it Maynard James Keenen, I have finally realized that the only time I am every truly happy in my life is when I am listening to Tool. Thank you for saving it my life."
The End.
posted by Ken Dynamo at
11:41 AM
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